Vampires Suck
Vampires Suck is a 2010 vampire spoof film based on the Twilight film series and directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. It stars Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Christopher N. Riggi, Ken Jeong, Anneliese van der Pol, and Arielle Kebbel. Plot Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, killings have been happening to random people and the number one suspects are the Canadians. It is in fact a group of vampires, who are (apparently) commonly confused with the Black Eyed Peas. Becca is quickly befriended by many students at her new high school, (which is odd, considering the welcome she was given) including Jennifer (Anneliese van der Pol) but she is intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, despite thinking she smells of tuna. Later, Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot. Edward inexplicably moves from several feet away and stops the vehicle by thrusting another student in its path without any harm to himself or Becca (the other student is very badly injured). He later refuses to explain this act to Becca and warns her against befriending him. After much research, she tells Edward that she knows what he is, but reaches the wrong conclusion that he is a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her, saying he is a vampire but that he only consumes animal blood (and the Real Housewives of Atlanta), and shows her the shiny bling he wears under his clothes. He also states he is a killer, and shoots Alice (from Alice in Wonderland) The pair fall in love, and he introduces Becca to his vampire family on her birthday. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut, after which one of the newer vampires (Jeremiah) runs at her. Edward flings her back, and then does the same to Jeremiah. She then starts to bleed from her arm, and the blood falls in a pyramid-shape of champagne glasses. After locking his dad and brother in tanning beds, he notices Becca has a nose bleed. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Becca, Edward rides a Segway PT out to the woods. He then proceeds to break up with Becca, who throws a temper tantrum after he leaves. After the fit, the three vampires that killed the fisherman appears. Becca begins to be eaten, but Edward shows up. After Jack retrieves his fangs from Becca's arm and leaps at Edward, Edward dispatches him by knocking his head off with a baseball bat. Jack's head flies through Sheriff Frank's car window, and he blames the Kardashians. Edward's departure leaves Becca heartbroken for months. She discovers that thrill-seeking activities and attempted suicides evoke Edward's preserved image. She is also comforted by her deepening friendship with Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi), the cheerful childhood friend who eases her pain over losing Edward. When Becca is accosted in the woods by the last of the nomadic vampires (the third not appearing, as she was recast), Jacob transforms into a Chihuahua as his werewolf pack arrives to save her. Meanwhile, Edward has moved to Rio de Janeiro and is now dating Lady Gaga to get over losing Becca. When his sister arrives and tells him that, with her gift of prophecy, she has seen Becca kill herself. Edward becomes depressed and decides to provoke the "Zolturi", a powerful vampire coven, by exposing himself in the sunlight at 'St. Salvatore's day' school prom and forcing them to kill him for revealing that vampires exist. His sister has another vision of Becca's survival as he leaves, but she is unable to warn him. Edward's sister arrives at Becca's house in her Porsche 911, and tells her she has to save Edward by showing him she is still alive. Jacob appears and demands that Becca choose between him and Edward, but just before she announces her decision he is distracted by a cat and runs off to chase it. Upon arriving at the prom, Becca is caught between the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is unable to reach Edward before he exposes himself, figuratively and literally. However, twilight occurs (followed by a new moon and an eclipse), concealing Edward's vampire nature as Becca gets him to safety. But after a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro (Ken Jeong), Edward is forced to make Becca into a vampire or else he will be killed horribly. He agrees to do so only on the condition that she marry him, which she accepts. The film concludes with Edward taking a blow to the head from the head Jacob fangirl, who shouts "Team Jacob, bitch!" Edward survives the blow, and the girl is attacked by the newly-vampirized Becca. Cast * Jenn Proske as Becca Crane * Matt Lanter as Edward Sullen * Diedrich Bader as Frank Crane * Christopher N. Riggi as Jacob White * Ken Jeong as Daro * Anneliese van der Pol as Jennifer * Arielle Kebbel as Rachel * Charlie Weber as Jack * Crista Flanagan as Eden * Jun Hee Lee as Derric * David DeLuise as Fisherman Scully * Ike Barinholtz as Bobby White * Dave Foley as Principal Smith * Randal Reeder as Biker Dude * B.J. Britt as Antoine * Emily Brobst as June * Bradley Dodds as Salvatore * Mike Mayhall as Nicholas * Rett Terrell as Max * Stephanie Fischer as Rosalyn * Nick Eversman as Jeremiah * Zane Holtz as Alex * Jeff Witzke as Dr. Carlton * Kelsey Ford as Iris * Helena Barrett as Alice * Matthew Warzel as John * Krystal Mayo as Buffy the Vampire Slayer Category:2010 films Category:Parody Category:Spoof films Category:20th Century Fox films Category:Comedy films Category:Films